Tuesday 13 November 2018 by Lucas Wilde

“You can have a freakshake when you stop being so f*cking fat” confirms government


freakshakes to be banned

No, of course you can’t enjoy a freakshake, you fat sack of shit, confirmed this government this morning.

That was the message from the government this morning after it emerged that a trend had developed for milkshakes which contained up to seventeen 1kg bags of sugar per 500ml.

“No, stop drinking that, here, give it to me,” said Minister for Killjoys, Simon Williams, yanking your freakshake from your hands and pouring it down the nearest sink, which promptly dissolved from all the sugar.

“Jesus, that was worse than I thought. No wonder you were out of breath just walking in here from your car. I’m surprised you’re still alive,” bleated Williams, apparently ignoring your bicycle stood right next to you.

“You can’t be trusted with these decisions for yourself, clearly. It is up to the government to make your health decisions and we say you absolutely cannot have a freakshake while fat people still exist.

“When they’re all thin, we might revisit the situation. In the meantime, chow down on this miserable stick of celery.”

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