Knife crime immediately disappears after Sajid Javid tells police to step up

author avatar by 4 years ago

The epidemic of lethal stabbings that has plagued British city streets for so long came to an abrupt end after Home Secretary and visionary strategist, Sajid Javid came up with the brilliant plan to ask the police to ‘step up their response’.

All over the nation, police stations were set to become a hive of activity as fearful gang members came in to surrender their blades and police officers made arrests for all those daylight murders they had done nothing about until now.

In Croydon, DCI Simone Williams admitted that the Home Office’s incredibly clever instructions were the key element to ending knife crime in the UK.

“The truth is we were way too focused on resources. We tried the old methods of combining specialist task forces such as Undercover, Drugs, Vice and Intelligence and methodically gathering evidence to secure convictions. But I always believed we lacked enough officers and equipment to counter the complex socio-economic factors that bring normal human beings to commit horrific acts of violence.”

”As it turns out, all I needed to stop young people killing each other, was a trite cliché. I thank Minister Javid for his leadership and look forward to more of his insightful comments on criminology and urban policing. Preferably as tweets.”

Meanwhile, in Westminster, many believe the instructions were part of a bid by Mr Javid to be seen as a potential party leader. His supporters hope that his “Step Up” strategy will have have the same astounding success as “Back to Basics” and “Brexit means Brexit”