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Prime Minister Theresa May appears to have won support from many of her critics after offering to give them handjobs in return for their backing.
The PM, whose current popularity is roughly on a par with wasps and diarrhoea, met with the 1922 committee last night to try and shore up support for her Brexit plans.
“It was an impressive performance,” said one backbencher who was present.
“She made a plea for unity at this difficult time, promised to see Brexit through to the end and then offered to institute a programme of handjobs for every single member of the committee who publicly supports her.”
The offer was for a monthly handjob, given by the Prime Minister herself in her private office at Number 10. It proved popular with those present.
“I certainly signed up. I mean, Brexit? I couldn’t give a toss. I’m really quite well off, so it won’t affect me in any way. But a handjob of the PM? That’s something to tell the grandkids about, isn’t it?
“Well, perhaps when they’re older.”
Mrs May’s offer of handjobs for backing may seem an unusual and perhaps even a little desperate, but it is not without precedent.
In 1979, then Prime Minister James Callaghan made a similar offer of handjobs for support going into a vote of no confidence.
It is also widely assumed that David Cameron gave Nick Clegg a handjob behind a skip outside a Wetherspoons in return for the Liberal Democrats joining a coalition in 2018, but this has never been officially confirmed.
