Police are urgently searching for a reported escaped black panther in Scotland before it meets any of the locals.
Sightings of the panther have been reported in Ayrshire, where authorities are hurrying to catch it before the pubs kick out – or ‘anything might happen to it’.
“They’re amongst the deadliest, most vicious predators on earth and we fear for the panther’s safety if it should be unlucky enough to meet one,” said animal welfare officer Simon McWilliams.
”They’ve evolved in one of the harshest environments on Earth – Barrhill – and a big cat is completely unprepared and defenceless against the threat it faces.
“We can only hope to get the panther back into a zoo and safely behind bars before someone wonders if it spilled their pint or was looking at their chips.
“We’re just grateful the animal didn’t escape in Newcastle in a Friday night or it’d be a jacket and a kebab by now,” he added.
When asked, Scotland’s children wanted to go out looking for the panther and said they’d not had this much fun since the Gorbals vampire in 1952.