Sexually adventurous hippies need to be infiltrated much more than dangerous gangs, claims Met Police

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The Metropolitan Police has explained that its controversial attempts to infiltrate progressive activist groups came from undercover operatives maintaining that it was more important to spend a few years smoking weed and sleeping with vegans than risking their lives among hardened criminals.

DCI Simon Williams, head of the Metropolitan Police’s elite undercover unit, explained that the officers in his command had few rivals when it came to long-term close surveillance of left-wing activists who practice tantric sex.

He explained, “Hollywood would have you believe that we spend all our time slowly working our way up a vicious criminal organization, risking death every minute.

“But few consider what would happen if we did that and neglected the many dangerous groups that want to divest from Israel or ban fossil fuels.

“Stabbing, shootings and heroine dealing get all the media attention, but imagine a world where people were constantly climbing buildings to unfurl banners or chaining themselves to the front doors of corporate offices.

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“We have a duty to keep the country safe from quirky political philosophies. And if that requires our brave officers to have children with trusting women then they will do their utmost to meet that requirement.”

DCI Williams denied that the many undercover operations involving seemingly harmless groups were just a way to park burnt-out police officers and allow them to collect loads of overtime pay.

He went on, “Any idiot can stand impassively while a crime lord cruelly murders a rival in front of them. But it takes a special kind of man to attend solstice orgies at Stonehenge.

“It gets really nippy, if you know what I mean.”