Doggers banned from Waitrose car park for not driving Range Rovers

author avatar by 6 years ago

A local dogging group has been banned from Waitrose car park after the supermarket chain noticed they weren’t driving Range Rovers, it has emerged.

Waitrose had been aware of the nocturnal group’s activity ‘for some time’, but took action when CCTV revealed that vehicles entering their car park included Nissan Micras, a 1996-era Vauxhall 306 and several Citroen Saxos.

Managers at the retailer confirmed that at least one dogger had been driving a BMW 3-series, but that wasn’t enough to save them.

“We have to maintain standards and some of the cars being driving failed to live up to what we expect from people engaging in sordid sexual encounters in our car park at  3am,” said store manager Simon Williams.

“Waitrose attracts a very exclusive clientele and we intend to maintain that even outside of opening hours – frankly, if you can’t afford at least an Audi then you’re probably not what we’re looking for in terms of who gets tossed off by a transvestite behind the trolley park.

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“You must understand that children might see, and if they get the idea it’s acceptable to park a Mitsubishi Evo in their local Waitrose now that might stay with them all their life.

“We will welcome the local dogging community back to our deserted, lovely nighttime car park once they have hit that sweet spot where they can both get their hands on an Evoque and think that being a dogger is a way they want to spend their lives.”