Brexit clusterf*ck actually a ‘cunning plan’ to make Universal Credit roll out look borderline competent

author avatar by 6 years ago

The government is making a right arse of Brexit in order to make the rollout of Universal Credit look good, according to a leaked memo this morning.

With the Universal Credit rollout delayed yet again, and now likely to be fully implemented seven years late, those behind the scheme have thanked the Brexit team for making them look competent.

A leaked memo revealed that government insiders planned to “give the appearance of a government in disarray, unable to tell the difference between its arse and its elbow – and this will, in turn, lower expectations on the Universal Credit rollout to such an extent that even a national catastrofuck will be welcomed with open arms.”

The move appears to have worked, as the latest in a long line of Universal Credit disasters was greeted with a nonchalant shrug by most members of the voting public.

One Whitehall source told us that the reaction to the latest Universal Credit delay was a vindication of their decision to make huge arses of themselves over Brexit.

They told us, “Yes, people are disappointed in Universal Credit, but we’re actually receiving praise that at least we didn’t accidentally set any claimants on fire – that’s how low we have successfully moved the bar.

“When everyone expects you to completely fuck up everything that you do, they are no longer disappointed when our amateurish approach delivers another inevitable catastrophe.

“Brexit has played a very useful role not only in allowing us to blame the EU for all of our failings, but now in preparing the electorate for ongoing disastrous attempts to change anything whatsoever.

“If you’re trained to expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!