The Strictly Come Dancing curse is to finally be lifted during Saturday’s live episode thanks to a ritual sacrifice of the show’s pet goat.
Viewers tuning in to BBC One on Saturday night are to witness a ceremony designed to cleanse the dancefloor of any malevolent spirits, according to show insiders.
Series producer Simon Williams explained, “For over a decade now we have witnessed the effects of the terrible ‘Strictly curse’ on several couples, and now that it has caused a C-list comedian to be dumped, well, we thought that finally, enough was enough.”
He went on, “We have consulted all the experts in these matters – many of whom charged us high consultancy fees, thus proving their legitimacy – and have formulated a plan of action to rid the show of whatever malevolent being seeks to destroy these probably already unhappy relationships.
“We will bring a live goat onto stage, one that those of us working on the show have become very fond of, accompanied by a lively but minor-key waltz from the live band, whereupon Claudia Winkleman and Tess Daly will drive a steel knife through its heart before smearing themselves in arterial spray and soaking the goat’s corpse in kerosene and setting it alight.”
Professional medium and contemptible fool Christopher James confirmed, “Oh yes, well, this plan definitely can’t fail.
“We thought Ann Widdecombe sacrificing her dignity would be enough to lift the curse, but clearly not.
“But if this doesn’t, then just go through all the farmyard animals until you find one that works.”