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Donald Trump has missed out on the Nobel Peace Prize despite not obliterating anyone with nuclear weapons all year long.
As the prize went to Nadia Murad and Denis Mukwege for their ongoing campaign against rape in warfare, there were reports of the sound of smashing glass and broken windows in the White House.
Standing outside the Oval Office, one source told us they heard the president moaning “Well, what’s the bloody point then? You keep taking the nuclear football out of my reach whenever I have a tantrum, and all for what? What’s the point if I don’t get the Nobel prize at the end of it?
“I could easily have melted half a dozen countries by now because they were clearly never going to give me the Nobel prize anyway.
“And who did they give it to, anti-rape campaigners? Jesus Christ – don’t these people ever stop being a pain in my ass?”
As speculation mounted that Trump had missed out on the award by hair’s breadth, sources within the prize committee spoke to reporters.
As one Nobel committee member explained, “Yes, it was a very difficult decision to choose Nadia and Denis – there were many worthy candidates who have done amazing work around the world in the interests of peace.
“Donald Trump? Oh, dear God no. He was nowhere near winning it. You can point to the North Korea stuff, but they have promised the same things to every president since Reagan. Let’s see if they actually dismantle anything.
“Anyway, if we start giving out peace prizes just for not starting a nuclear war then we’d have to start giving them to everyone.
“Christ, even Tony Blair would have one.”
