Following huge success of her Brexit plan, Theresa May announces move into wedding planning

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Further to the roaring success of her Chequers Brexit plan, the Prime Minister has announced she will soon be launching a lucrative sideline in wedding planning.

‘Theresa’s Wedding Planning Services’, whose slogan will be ‘putting something old and something blue into your big day!’, received its first clients this week in Simon Williams and his fiancé Katie Cross.

“We were actually getting a bit worried,” said Katie. “We sent Theresa our requirements over two years ago but hadn’t seen any progress. However, she explained that these things tend to come together at the last minute.”

The couple had requested a summer wedding so were a little shocked when the Prime Minister said she’d booked them in for December 25th.

“Christmas Day?!” exclaimed Simon. “But you’re suggesting something that won’t be acceptable to anyone involved.”

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“That’s right,” Mrs May replied, “and it took me bloody ages didn’t it?!”

When Katie asked about the venue she was told they could use Chequers. “It will bring you luck,” said Theresa. “Traditionally all commitments made within those four walls last forever!

“And yes, I’m 100% confident I’ll still have access to Chequers come Christmas.”

Katie then asked what the plans for the wedding cake were.

“Well, my policy is always to have your cake and eat it too,” said Theresa.

“But in terms of size, I propose a points-based five-tier system. Tier One for ‘high-value’ guests who will be staying for the duration and contributing a great deal to the wedding… all the way up to Tier Five for guests who only plan to be in the wedding on a temporary basis.”

Simon was keen to know if there would be a free bar.

“There will absolutely be free movement of drinks across the bar. Snacks and nibbles, however, will be negotiated on a case by case basis.”

“But what about spirits?” asked Simon.

“Don’t worry about that. There will under no circumstances be a hard Irish whiskey,” explained the Prime Minister.

She then went on to suggest sheaves of wheat for table decorations and leather trousers instead of a wedding dress.

At this point Katie began to cry.

“For God’s sake, all of these ideas are rubbish!” she said.

“Well I’m very sorry,” responded the PM, “but to sit there poo-pooing my detailed proposals without coming up with any alternatives of your own is completely unacceptable at this stage!”

Katie then ran out shouting that the wedding was off. A distraught Simon followed.

“Come back!” shouted Theresa. “It doesn’t matter what sort of pig’s ear I’ve made of it, you still have to go through with it – that’s democracy!”