Wednesday 26 September 2018

Weary nation prepares for yet another General Election after Theresa May categorically rules it out


Theresa May rules out general election

There is definitely going to be another general election now that Theresa May has ruled it out, according to voters sick to the back teeth of this stuff.

“Oh Christ,” explained one London voter when told that Theresa May had categorically ruled out another general election when interviewed by journalists in New York at the UN assembly.

“Did she say it won’t be happening this Autumn, or in the spring. I just want to book myself a nice holiday when the grim inevitability of another election raises its head.

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t think another election was even remotely likely, but then she went and said – definitively – that there wouldn’t be one. And now we all know that there definitely will be one.

“Why couldn’t she just stay quiet on the matter and leave us wondering and speculating, rather than speaking out to say ‘no chance’ and confirming it will definitely happen.”

Number 10 officials have been quick to clarify the prime minister’s comments, explaining that her definitely ruling out another election is very different from that other time she definitively ruled out another election.

A spokesperson said, “This is very different to back in the spring of 2017 when she said there definitely wouldn’t be another general election, and then called a general election three weeks later.

“It’s different in many ways, but most of all in that this 2018 and that was 2017, which means it is in no way a comparable event.

“The prime minister would refer you to her strong and stable track record of always being strong and stable, so when she says no election, there will be no election.”

As we go to print, bookmakers are refusing to take bets on there being another election “for the same reason we don’t take bets on the sun coming up tomorrow.”

Whatever this is, I didn’t vote for it – get the t-shirt 

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