The rescue operation for what was believed to be a Beluga whale stranded in the river Thames has been called off, as the former Foreign Secretary confirmed that he was, in fact, the half tonne pasty beast floundering around naked in the water as hoards of onlookers looked on.
The sighting of the rare “whale” this far south had drawn large crowds of wildlife enthusiasts and local schoolchildren, many of whom became concerned at the bizarre swimming action and irregular blowhole evacuations of the creature.
Marine biologist Dr Will Gilbert said, “Belugas are well known for their large melon-like heads and vast folds of pasty blubber.
“They are also believed to get confused when in unfamiliar territory and engage in erratic behaviour, sometimes even carrying out disturbing random mating attempts.
“Although yesterday we all genuinely believed that we’d seen our first Beluga in British waters, in hindsight a skinny dipping Boris Johnson was always the more likely explanation.
“We’re grateful to him for helping to clear up this puzzling biological conundrum.”