Life expectancy in Britain has stopped rising for the first time in recorded history and it’s definitely Brexit’s fault, according to reports this morning.
With Britain set to definitely become some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland after Britain leaves the EU, British citizens are chucking as much cake, alcohol and tobacco down their necks as they possibly can.
“Well, we might as well enjoy it now,” said Simon Williams, finishing off his 17th cigarette of the morning before cracking open another banoffee pie.
“None of this stuff is going to be around much longer, and if that’s the case then I don’t want to be either.
“I don’t look forward to the prospect of trying to pry open a can of chlorinated chicken with my bare hands because I’ve bartered my last tin opener for some out of date medicine.
“So I intend to take back control, by eating, drinking and smoking my way into as early a grave as possible, thank you very much.”
Scientist, Hayley Rice, said “It’s the first time since we’ve been looking at these figures that we’ve seen life expectancy ceasing to rise.
“There was a slight slow-down in the figures when Mrs Brown’s Boys: D’Movie came out, but even then it didn’t stop going up.
“Anyway…could you please excuse me? I’ve just seen an email from head office entitled “funding cuts” and now I’d quite like to eat a 10 piece KFC bucket on my own.”