Brexiters who bought Nigel Farage condoms on promise of multiple sexual encounters left wanking into socks two years later

author avatar by 6 years ago

The Nigel Farage condom has proven to be the perfect metaphor for Brexit Britain, according to a study of the sort of people who actually buy such things.

With condoms bearing the face of the former UKIP leader on sale at the UKIP conference, a study of the people who bought condoms at previous conferences reveals the eventual outcome is very different to the one they were initially promised.

“I was led to believe that buying Nigel Farage condoms would lead to glorious future with a plethora of sexual encounters that would require me to resheath my penis on a disgustingly regular basis,” reveals UKIP voter Simon Williams.

“They talked an excellent game at the point I committed to a future of Farage condoms, explaining that freeing myself from the condom elitists such as Durex and Trojan would allow me to go out and make new relationships around the world.

“It hasn’t quite turned out like that, to be honest.”

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When it was put to Williams that perhaps he had been lied to, and he was ultimately tricked into using buying Farage condoms by a small group of reactionaries hoping to make a few quid by exploiting his fears, he became defensive.

He told us,”No, that’s entirely wrong. As I sit at home angrily approaching the vinegar strokes for a late-night posh-wank using a Farage condom, I can only reflect that this is precisely what I thought would happen all along.

“I think my embarrassingly pitiful sex life is definitely a price worth paying to show the condom elites that we Brits can’t be pushed around!”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!