The two suspects in the Skripal poisoning case were just innocent tourists enjoying a day of sightseeing and poisoning, according to reports this morning.
Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov claim to have only visited Salisbury for an hour to have a look at the cathedral before returning to London, which makes them incredibly quick for tourists, but perfect for the get-in, get-out efficiency you would typically expect from a pair of ex-KGB assassins.
“We were just tourists, this is bonkers,” said Petrov.
“I feel like your famous Dr Harold Shipman. Just a doctor being a doctor, accused of all sorts of nasty things. Well here we are tourists being tourists and you’re saying that we walked around spraying Novichok all over the place. It’s ridiculous.
“Hm? He was convicted? Oh…well that is a little devastating to my argument, so I don’t believe you.
“He was famous for that? I thought he was just a famous very good doctor…that was bad intelligen- er…ah I mean my google search was obviously bad. That’s what I meant.”