Brexit could end British workers’ right to take a prolonged shit at work, claim unions

author avatar by 6 years ago

Several trade unions have sounded the alarm over a botched Brexit that could see Britons lose the sacrosanct right to take an overlong dump while on the clock.

Simone Williams, secretary general of the Clerical and Administrative Employees Union, told the press that the chaotic nature of the transition could see employers exploit loopholes to end dearly fought-over concessions.

“Taking a 30-minute crap while playing Candy Crush with the phone muted is a work benefit that many bosses have tried to remove, but we have always seen them off. However, this wrecker government is all too keen on using Brexit to force British workers to defecate at home while their kids bang on the door.

“We know many of our members voted Leave but we are certain that a bonfire of workplace perks is not why they did so.

“Even the most ardent Brexiter is happy to choke the turtle’s head during the commute knowing that he or she can disappear to the bogs after logging in and enjoy a satisfying crap. The type that makes you feel all mellow afterwards.”

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Ms Williams explained that although unimpeded shitting at work is rooted in medieval common law, the formal legislation was now embodied in the 2004 European Directive on Universal Employee Rights.

She went on, “The British workplace is one of the most depressing and dehumanizing environments around. Particularly in sales. Sitting quietly over a growing mound of our own faeces is the highlight of the day for many of us.

“And we will continue to fight for that little moment of happiness.”

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