Boris Johnson is facing divorce after his wife discovered he gave a country a ‘proper shafting’ behind her back.
Marina Wheeler, who has inexplicably remained married to Johnson for ages despite everything, announced her decision after hearing that her husband had ‘fucked Britain ragged’ in clandestine trysts on a private bus.
Johnson is understood to have received news of the divorce whilst escaping Chequers down a drainpipe with his trousers at half-mast, in a desperate attempt to avoid the consequences of his actions.
“Apparently it was a good, hard seeing-to that he gave Britain,” friends of the couple told us.
“He was shouting ‘Call me Prime Minister! Call me Prime Minister!’ and desperately trying to get on top all the time.
“But he just shagged it once too often and his wife simply couldn’t ignore it this time.
“She almost left him earlier in the summer when he completely f*cked Theresa May, but he managed to talk his way out of it by explaining that she had ‘led him on something rotten’.
“And the worst part of all this is that Britain just lay there and took it, passively taking Boris’ pounding seemingly oblivious to the fact he was getting his jollies.
“Apparently, Britain hasn’t known such a severe dicking since the unions took turns having a go on it in the 1970s.”
When asked, Boris Johnson said “Cripes! This is a ticketty-rum to-do and no jiggery whatsit gadzooks rather!” – so your guess is as good as ours, frankly.
Credit: Otto English