Boris Johnson confident of divorce deal in which he still retains full access to marital bed

author avatar by 6 years ago

Boris Johnson is confident his split with wife of 25 years will see him negotiate a divorce deal in which he retains full conjugal rights, without having to pay anything for that privilege.

As news broke that Marina Wheeler and Boris have separated and plan to divorce, Boris spoke confidently of his ability to negotiate a wonderful divorce deal for himself that will retain all the benefits of the marriage, but also allow him to strike out and make new deals with females around the world.

“Just because we’re leaving a marriage, doesn’t mean we can’t still retain access to those parts of the marriage that we still want,” he told reporters.

“But it’s also important that I am able to strike out on my own and forge new relationships with young fillies across the globe.  But in the meantime, it’s important that I am able to get back in the marital bed as easily as ever, and I am confident that this will be the outcome of the negotiations.

“She needs me as much as I need her.”

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As Wheeler was seen at their shared home tipping his belongings out of the first-floor bedroom window and setting fire to his suits in the front garden, journalists who suggested he might find himself wanking into a sock for the foreseeable future were accused of succumbing to ‘Project Fear’.

“You’re just talking down Boris,” explained Boris in the third person, for no reason other than to make this line work.

“Rest assured, when the dust settles, I will have everything I promised myself.  But in the meantime, can I crash on your sofa tonight?”