CIA criticised after adding to list of acceptable torture techniques with ‘Vegan Dinner Party’

author avatar by 6 years ago

The CIA has updated its list of acceptable enhanced interrogation techniques to include a vegan dinner party, much to the disgust of human rights organisations across the globe.

The update comes after further analysis suggested a lack of reliability associated with evidence gained through traditional torture techniques, such as waterboarding.

A CIA source told us, “The simple fact is that our adversaries are getting wise to our existing interrogation techniques, going so far as even to train to withstand waterboarding, so the intel it delivers is now mostly worthless.

“We’ve tried isolation, keeping people in solitary confinement for long periods of time, but that too, is proving less effective as time goes by. Even loud music for days on end delivered very little these days.

“However, we have discovered that people will do anything, and I mean anything, to avoid a vegan dinner party.

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“Even the merest suggestion that we will force them to sit and eat a vegan meal with half a dozen enthusiastic vegans is enough to have most subjects singing like a canary. So far not a single detainee has lied to us

“One didn’t break from the threat itself, but after putting them at the table with the vegans, it took just twenty minutes being lectured on the cruelty of meat to have him give up his entire network.

“We don’t think it’s ‘cruel and unusual’ in the traditional sense of the phrase. We’re just adapting to a rapidly changing intelligence landscape.”

It was suggested that the CIA might have difficulty getting vegans to take part in the process

However, our source told us, “Surprisingly, no, it’s been pretty easy – we asked around, and it appears absolutely every single Vegan we reached out to can’t wait to sit down and tell someone all about it.”