Summer officially over as the first Tory backstabbing of Autumn is sighted near Westminster

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Observers of seasonal change have blamed climate change for an early fall, as many people reported squirrels hoarding nuts, leaves turning brown and members of the Conservative party ruthlessly putting their own ambitions over party loyalty, the good of the country or even basic decency.

Simon Williams, producer of the BBC’s Autumn Watch said that global warming was probably behind Boris Johnson’s latest underhand attempt to set himself up as a potential Prime Minister.

“Normally we would have another couple of weeks before the geese arrive and vainglorious toffs with a misguided sense of superiority betray their colleagues and their own beliefs in an obvious power grab.

“But the trend is clear. Tories are starting to rip their party apart earlier and earlier each year.”

Mr Williams also said the changes should not deter children and nature watchers from going out and observing.

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He went on, “Autumn is a magical season bustling with activity. Animals are preparing their winter hideaways, plants change in a symphony of colours and Tories come back from their converted windmills in the Dordogne and initiate devious plans to destroy the people they call friends.”

Mr Williams did sound out a note of caution asking watchers to observe but never intervene.

“It’s easy to mistake a tousled Boris or a gangly Jacob for amusing evolutionary throwbacks. But they are at heart extremely destructive creatures and will attack anything that gets in their way.

“They serve no real purpose and only wreck things. Frankly, the smart thing would be to have a cull.”