The UK government will issue a comprehensive set of guidelines on how to cope with the hazards posed by a limited nuclear exchange between Brussels and London, it has emerged.
Based on the eighties pamphlet Protect And Survive, the new document covers a range of scenarios from beating off attacks from radioactive cockroaches to how to make a tin of beans last for three weeks.
Although the UK says reaching a deal is the ‘overriding priority’, we must be ready to consider the alternative of a prolonged, nuclear winter at the mercy of our Flemish-speaking cockroach overlords.
In such a scenario, experts believe the Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, would flee the UK, relinquish control over interest rates and resume his career as a George Clooney lookalike.
Government spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “These proposals are a sensible, measured and proportionate approach to minimising the impact that vengeful and emboldened insect-life would have on British firms and public institutions.
“Food banks would not only provide sustenance for all, but would double up as makeshift shelters in which an army of volunteers would deter drooling moths the size of pterodactyls who aren’t particularly arsed whether you voted Remain.
“With the ground frozen solid for most of the year, farms would admittedly find it difficult to cope with the lack of EU subsidies. Sadly, that means no more Countryfile.”
Meanwhile, pro-Brexit campaigners described the advice as “Project Fear”, claiming that the NHS would benefit from the reduced stress of a surviving UK population numbering just over five thousand.
Williams, though, hit back at critics, adding, “Any firms that withstand the initial blast wave now have the clarity they need to conduct business with our former partners who may or may not be partially-sighted zombies suffering from radiation sickness.”