Whacky President Trump is at it again.
The 45th President of the United States of America has been implicated in the misuse of campaign funds in order to hush up a porn star with whom he had an affair – and that’s not even the satire bit, that’s just a thing that’s currently happening in the same reality as you.
In a desperate attempt to shore up his reputation, the President has been trying to pay off the media to stop them talking about the fact he paid off a porn star.
“He met me in a darkened parking lot and offered me a brown envelope containing $210,000 in cash,” confirmed journalist, Simon Williams.
“He said, and I quote, ‘stop talking about the broad with the tits and buy yourself something nice’, before climbing back into his golf buggy and speeding off.
“Technically I suppose I should give that money back now, as I’m not keeping all that quiet, but I’d prefer not to.”
At a press conference, President Trump said, “Alright, folks, who wants what?
“Henrietta from the Herald, you like sports cars, right, have a Corvette. No, seriously, it’s on me, all you have to do is report on something else for a bit. It’s easy, folks, it really is.
“Simon, you’re with CNN, right, what do you want? New RV? It’s yours, you’ll love it, trust me, they’re great. Just shut the fuck up about everything. Clear? Good. Great. Bigly. Yuge.”
A spokesperson for President Trump shrugged, “It’s no skin off his nose. The taxpayer is paying for all of this.
“Oh crap, I shouldn’t have said that. I was explicitly bribed so that I wouldn’t say precisely that.”