Nike denies new line of machetes is designed to appeal to gang members

author avatar by 6 years ago

Following the furore over its £60 pound balaclava, the famous sporting goods company has been at the centre of another tabloid outrage recently as many campaigners accused the new Street Kings line of garden accessories of promoting violence.

Head of marketing at Nike, Simon Williams, was adamant the new products were simply a recognition that young people were interested in extreme horticulture.

“We designed the Steel Protector machete for people who want the best possible performance when clearing knotweed from their allotment.

“It’s got a carbon steel blade and a micro-ridged handle that ensures perfect grip and incidentally makes it very hard to lift clear fingerprints.

“Gardeners not gangsters. We have no interest in developing our brand with edgy urban youngsters that their wealthy peers fear but also admire. We do not want in any way to be associated with tough city kids that do as they please and refuse to obey society’s rules.

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“We at Nike want to promote healthy activity and safety. So when you’re back from your Tough Mudder training and need to set up the worm composting bin you want to protect your hands. That’s why we’ve designed the Easy Money cast bronze knuckle protectors.

“We make products to encourage sports. The media love to paint us as a giant heartless corporation that enslaves third world children and charges a 6000% mark up on our products just because we paid a rapper to wear them. But at heart, we are a philanthropic brand.

“Want to see our new line of lead-weighted staves with a steel tip? They’re for Morris dancers who want to work their core.”