Mainstream parties terrified of man who failed to become an MP 7 times, insist Brexiters

author avatar by 4 years ago

Prominent Leave personalities have taken to social media to hail the return of Nigel Farage to active political life, and insist that his activity would shake up the Westminster establishment despite his legendary inability to get people to vote for him personally.

In response, most parties claimed Mr Farage was not the threat he claimed to be.

Labour spokesperson Amanda Tinnock maintained that his electoral record ensured little substantive action would be taken by her party.

She told us, “I’ll admit he could cause a bit of trouble just by spooking our leader. If he shows up north of Leicester, then Jeremy will make us traipse around the North drinking pints in flat roof pubs. But that’s good practice anyway and we can take a weekend in the Lake District.

“We’re not worried, he handpicked the dumbest and most racist constituencies in the UK and still couldn’t take the seat in parliament. And remember, this a country where Michael Fabricant gets into Westminster.”

At CCHQ, Tory communications advisor Hugh Spelding also denied Mr Farage presented a challenge.

“He gets in the papers a lot because he looks like a wanking frog and reminds everyone of the relative your Mum would not let you be alone with.

“But in this game, it’s constituencies that matter. Most people who have failed as much as he has wear polka-dot waistcoats and have names like Duke Barmypants.

“And this is not 2016. Our party has changed. If the past two years have proven anything, it’s that the Conservatives are still the natural home for pig-ignorant closet racists.”

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