350 US newspapers look for polite ways to call Trump a dick

author avatar by 5 years ago

In a mass protest, coordinated by the Boston Globe, hundreds of news outlets in America penned similar editorials condemning Donald Trump’s persistent attack on the media and tried to find less obvious ways to label him a petulant wanker.

At the Philadelphia Enquirer, senior editor Simon Williams said that the process he went through would have been the same for his colleagues across the nation.

He explained, “We all start off the same way. You write a rough draft explaining that only tinpot dictators try to blame the press for their fuck-ups and that attacking us will neither change the way we cover the news nor make Donald Trump competent.

“You also point out that it’s not our fault the president is a lecherous man-child who is so spoilt he can’t accept anything that isn’t nauseating sycophancy.

“That’s the core argument but then you have to make it family friendly. So you edit and you use euphemisms. Fiery means erratic. Thin-skinned means whiny little bitch. Populist means racist. Down to earth means stupid.

“Only trusts his inner circle means he probably fucked his daughter. And so on.

“Look. We would rather cover actual news stories, but that idiot spends every rally trying to set his army of mouth-breathers on us. It’s scary. None of them could name a single African city but those guys can shoot.”

The US Senate also passed a resolution stating that the press was not the enemy of the people. The precise wording was subject to tense late-night debates.

In the end, all Senators agreed that the appropriate term to describe Donald Trump was “retarded thimble-dick”.