UK braces itself for plague of flabby men in cycling shorts following Geraint Thomas victory

author avatar by 5 years ago

British people have been mentally preparing themselves for the horrific sight of overweight men in tight-fitting lycra huffing around the countryside on brand new racing bikes and claiming they were always keen cycling fans but ‘could never find the time’.

Simon Williams a 53-year-old dentist from Nottingham, has proclaimed that he would now be spending all his spare time riding through scenic villages on a five-grand bike and in shorts so tight they reveal he is circumcised.

“I’m not one of these fair-weather cyclists. I’ve always been a great fan of cycling and I’ve followed the careers of Geraint Thomas, Lance Armstrong and that Scottish bloke who won something at the Olympics.

“It’s just that life caught up with me. So I went down to the bike shop and got myself a carbon racer that weighs half a kilo. Cost more than the wife’s car but you can’t put a price on performance.”

Mr William’s wife Rachel confirmed that her husband had declared himself a ‘tarmac eater’ but was confident his bike would be on eBay before Christmas.

She explained, “He’s been doing this since he turned 40. After Andy Murray won Wimbledon he got one year’s court membership at a local club. He went there twice and got thrashed by our son before he claimed he got tennis elbow so had to quit.

“But this year is bad. I think he’s found other people online who want to do weekend rides. Most of them shop at Jacomo and now they’re wearing spandex. It won’t be pretty.”