Donald Trump has taken the dramatic step of banning apples from the United States after his good friend and trusted confidant Vladimir Putin told him a story about this kid who swallowed some pips and they made a tree grow out of his bottom.
President Trump, who returned to the US late last night, sent his team on an emergency mission have apples removed from grocery stores across the country, in the hope of preventing an outbreak of arse trees.
As millions of apples were removed from the shelves, Trump spoke to the American people to reassure those worried about the new findings.
He told them, “Vladimir made a very compelling argument that apple pips grow into trees if you swallow them, and what does he have to gain by lying to me?
“I’m here to make America great again, and I ask you, what’s great about having a tree growing out of your butt? Nothing. That’s what’s great about it.
“We should be grateful to Russia for bringing this hidden danger to our attention – and that’s what great allies do, they help each other. Without their intervention, you could have been sat there with a tree growing out of your butt. Thank you Russia!”
When told that the US health system had reported literally zero cases of arse trees in the last ten years, Trump went on to call the statistic ‘fake news’.
He explained, “Maybe it’s true. Maybe we’ve just been incredibly lucky. Who knows. Either way, it’s high time we what my friend Vlad suggests and get rid of these delicious balls of dangerous seeds.”