Thursday 12 July 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Football sees ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and elects not to come home


Football not coming home

Football, who had been planning to come home this week, has taken a closer look at England, seen what it calls the ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and taken the decision to not come home for the foreseeable future.

Citing Brexit, a chaotic government, closer ties with Donald Trump, the Arctic Monkeys latest album and the continued baffling popularity of Mrs Brown’s Boys, football has confirmed that it will be going somewhere a bit more sensible instead.

“Yeah, it would have been nice to come home,” said football, late last night.

“But, frankly, home is in an absolute f**king state at the moment, so I’m going to give it a swerve for a few more years.

“I mean, look, it’s like you’re sat there with no goalkeeper, the other team in your box, and everyone arguing about who gets the biggest orange at halftime. I don’t need all that hassle, I’m only bloody football after all.”

Fan Simon Williams had sympathies with football’s view, explaining he had missed football while it’s been away.

“I’d have absolutely loved to have seen football come home – I would have been delighted,” he said.

“But I can see the point it’s making. Home’s just a bunch of people watching Love Island and arguing the toss about which is the least shit European trade agreement.

“Who, in their right mind, would like to come home to that?”

Football has confirmed that if England manages to sort itself out in the next two years, then it will consider coming home then.

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