Theresa May appoints Dominic Raab as new Chief Brexit Turd Polisher

author avatar by 6 years ago

The new minister in charge of polishing the Brexit turd is Dominic Raab, according to sources inside number 10.

The former Minister of Justice will replace David Davis, and take on the unenviable task of making Brexit look like a good thing for the country while negotiating a weak hand against a far more powerful opponent.

A Conservative HQ insider told us, “We need a bold new leader for our Brexit team, one capable of buffing Brexit into a gleaming turd the entire nation can be proud of, and Dominic is the least bad of all the options on that front.

“To be honest, it’s pretty easy to stand out when you’re on a shortlist that also includes Michael Gove.

They went on to outline the challenge facing Raab as he takes his new office.

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“Right now, today, there are too many people claiming that a turd is a turd and that it can’t be polished; but these are the enemies of the people – the people who voted in their millions for a turd to be polished and demand their government deliver that polished turd.

“David Davis insisted that the only way of delivering a turd for the UK people was to roll it in glitter, and that polishing was just a half-arsed attempted to keep people happy.  Dominic might be a little happier with Glitter, so we’ll see.”

Raab himself spoke of his happiness at his new job.

He told us, “I am excited by this new opportunity, but remember, it’s not about making the turd shiny, it’s about tricking the nation into thinking it shines.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!