Woman ‘must be pregnant’ because she ordered a decaf drink

author avatar by 6 years ago

Everyone has assumed that a woman is pregnant simply because she’s asked for a decaffeinated beverage.

“I have a minor heart condition and my doctor has advised me to lay off the caffeine for a bit,” said Linda Carlton, “but every single time I request a decaf Americano I get smiles, winks and sometimes even congratulations.

“’Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,’ is a very strange response to a hot drink order.

“Do I constantly look pregnant? Is that seriously what you’re telling me? If so you can fuck right off.”

Trade professionals, however, remain sceptical.

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“If she says she’s not expecting then she’s obviously lying,” insisted barista Simon Williams.

“There is literally no other reason why anyone would order decaf.

“People drink coffee to give themselves a kick, to perk themselves up – it’s essentially a more affordable and socially acceptable version of cocaine.

“Coffee without caffeine is like lager without alcohol or porn without nudity. It’s totally pointless.

“I even served a pregnant man last week. Bit weird but there’s no other plausible explanation for why he wanted a decaf latte.”

“I’m getting used to it,” sighed Linda.

“I try to look on the positive side – I suppose it’s quite nice that someone could think I’m pregnant at the age of eighty.”

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