Everyone has assumed that a woman is pregnant simply because she’s asked for a decaffeinated beverage.
“I have a minor heart condition and my doctor has advised me to lay off the caffeine for a bit,” said Linda Carlton, “but every single time I request a decaf Americano I get smiles, winks and sometimes even congratulations.
“’Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,’ is a very strange response to a hot drink order.
“Do I constantly look pregnant? Is that seriously what you’re telling me? If so you can fuck right off.”
Trade professionals, however, remain sceptical.
“If she says she’s not expecting then she’s obviously lying,” insisted barista Simon Williams.
“There is literally no other reason why anyone would order decaf.
“People drink coffee to give themselves a kick, to perk themselves up – it’s essentially a more affordable and socially acceptable version of cocaine.
“Coffee without caffeine is like lager without alcohol or porn without nudity. It’s totally pointless.
“I even served a pregnant man last week. Bit weird but there’s no other plausible explanation for why he wanted a decaf latte.”
“I’m getting used to it,” sighed Linda.
“I try to look on the positive side – I suppose it’s quite nice that someone could think I’m pregnant at the age of eighty.”