Just remember the billions we’ve spent on cocaine over the years, England tells Colombia

author avatar by 5 years ago

England has politely reminded ambitious Colombian footballers to show a bit of fucking gratitude for the billions in drug revenues England has pumped into their dictatorship, ahead of next Tuesday’s clash in Moscow.

Gak-hungry Brits are responsible for a third of Colombia’s GDP and English football fans insist Colombian strikers should be mindful of this the next time goalkeeping ace Jordan Pickford pushes a ball directly towards their feet.

England fan, Simon Williams, said, “Every English man, woman and child who has ever snorted cocaine off a hooker’s back has played their own small part in Colombia’s footballing success story.

“Let us not forget that every pound spent on recreational Class A drugs in a pub toilet on a Friday night goes straight to the Colombian treasury via bent politicians in the pay of violent drug gangs.”

“From there it is used to finance community projects such as schools, hospitals and football academies by the same politicians who refuse to merely line their own pockets.

“My message to every Colombian footballer is this: don’t forget it’s us who put you where you are now and we can put you back down too,” he continued, borrowing slightly from The Human League’s Phil Oakey.

“I’m sorry if I’m talking too quickly.”

Meanwhile, English people warned that should their team be knocked out of the World Cup on Tuesday, they may take direct action to undermine Colombia’s economy by curbing their Charlie-intake.

Williams added, “Crystal Meth is just one of many options we are exploring, as much of it is brewed by a retired Chemistry teacher in Albuquerque.”