Tabloid editors struggle to merge crap puns about Hitler and eating dogs

author avatar by 5 years ago

The surprise defeat of Germany by South Korea has left Fleet Street’s finest at a loss on how to mix two differing crude stereotypes that are rarely, if ever, on the same page.

Simon Williams, chief copy editor at the Sun newspaper, confessed that he and his senior staff had worked through the night in an attempt to childishly insult two highly different nations.

He explained, “We have a vast repertoire for shit puns about Germany. If there’s one thing we Brits are world leaders in, it’s how to frame every news item involving Fritz into a crap metaphor for World War 2.

“But South Korea is a pickle. We’ve got a few about North Korea but my wife tells me they are completely different. They look the same to me, though.

“And even if we knew anything about them how can you connect kimchi to Colditz? Or Hyundai and the Holocaust? That would just look crass. We thought we had something with ‘Banzai the Bosch’ but apparently, that’s the Japs.

“Which ones is it that do Kung Fu?”

By the morning, Mr Williams was able to assure Sun readers that they would not have to eat breakfast without being able to read unfunny word plays on a conflict that saw the death of 80 million people and the first attempt to industrialize racist murder.

“It might not be good but our beloved readers will still be able to see events through the lens of the last time we were morally superior to Germany. So we’ve ended up with ‘Gangnam Heil’.

“Fuck you. I’ve got a mortgage to pay.”