Lazy backstabbing philanderer with delusions of grandeur is embodiment of modern Britain, insists PM

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As the decision about the controversial third runway at Heathrow approaches, Downing Street explained that the Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson would not be able to vote against it as he was too busy reminding the world that Britain was now a joke without a punchline.

Simone Williams, a spokesperson for Downing Street, confirmed that Theresa May had decreed Boris Johnson, now a living symbol, would not have time to honour his repeated claim that he would do anything in his power to stop the third runway.

She explained, “Times have changed and so has our relationship with the world.

“From her earliest days in office, the Prime Minister appointed Boris Johnson to make sure other nations understood that the days of dealing with rational worldly people working to a mutual self-interest were over.

We are a new nation now, and nothing represents Brexit Britain more than a vainglorious dilettante who thinks that attempting to look like a buffoon compensates for a tragic lack of substance.

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“Nobody better encapsulates our nation’s groundless belief that others should bow down to us without having to do anything to warrant it. Britannia is dead, long love Boris!”

The move to make Mr Johnson into the new national figurehead is part of a wider rebranding exercise initiated by the government to better represent Brexit Britain.

Other changes to national symbols include replacing the Beatles with Status Quo, the Mini Cooper with a Ford Transit full of Yodel parcels and the British Lion being retired in favour of Clive; an aggressive mangy tomcat that deliberately shits on the carpet.