Vladimir Putin has sought reassurances from Robbie Williams that he is the lone heterosexual member of former boy band Take That.
Williams won the right to perform at the World Cup opening ceremony ahead of Boyzone’s Ronan Keating after Putin was presented with footage of the latter performing on the Irish gay porn channel RTE.
The singer will undergo a series of last-minute sexuality checks before being allowed to shower Russian audiences with his perspiration.
It is understood that Williams also underwent a series of DNA tests to convince the Russian leader that he is not, and has never shared cutlery with, Jason Orange.
Meanwhile, Russian scientists have been diverted from crucial projects in order to ensure the lyrics to Let Me Entertain You are free of any kind of homosexual subtext that could corrupt the minds of impressionable young Russian men.
During a thirty-minute set, Williams has pledged to run around the stage in a manly fashion and refrain from camp behaviour such as winking at the camera, wiggling his bottom, and blowing kisses at male members of the crowd.
Putin said, “Bottom-wiggle make uncomfortable feeling in breast of all Russian men.
“But let me assure you, there are no gay homosexuals in Russia. None. However, when two men are alone in forest, things can happen. This is different. Is definitely OK.”
He added, “If Mr William perform like fairy boy, we have number of resolutely heterosexual standby acts just in case.
“These include Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and my favourite, Morrissey.”