Russia has won the opening match of the 2018 World Cup by default.
The Russians were due to face off against Saudi Arabia in an opening World Cup match which had been generously forecast as “probably going to be a bit shit”.
However, Saudi Arabia has forfeited the game after their entire squad simultaneously keeled over and died in the middle of a Russian hotel breakfast bar.
“It was bizarre,” said hotel waiter, Simon Williamski.
“They were all laughing and joking one moment, and the next they were face down in the scrambled egg.
“My colleague, Jay Cooperski, had just served them their orange juice. He must be traumatised, it was his very first shift with us this morning.”
Cooperski commented “Hmm? Oh, yeah, shocking” while screwing the top back onto a large, glowing, green jar with a skull-and-crossbones label on it.
“It’s a very sad start to the world cup. I can only hope identical incidents don’t take place for each and every one of Russia’s upcoming opponents, who are staying in hotels staffed by friends of mine who coincidentally also started work this week.
“Anyway, nosy foreign journalist, may I pour you some orange juice?”