Paul Dacre to finally relinquish soul to Satan after 26 years as editor of Daily Mail

author avatar by 6 years ago

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is to retire later this year and relinquish his soul to Satan as specified in the contract he signed when selling it some 26 years ago.

The contract stated that Mr Dacre, a largely talentless journalist, would receive the editorship of the Daily Mail in exchange for publishing nothing but 26 years of bile, hatred, and fury and the eternal torment of his soul.

“Oh, very much worth it,” said Mr Dacre.

“Yes, to be honest, I’ve long been a great believer in the work Satan does down in Hell, so the contract made a lot of sense, really.

“My soul will be in torment forever more, but I suppose that would be the case even if I hadn’t made the contract.”

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The contract with Satan was unusual in that it wasn’t a simple soul-selling deal, but had the clause about publishing bile, hatred, and fury.

“Yes, I put that bit in myself,” chuckled Mr Dacre.

“Well, it’s rather nice to make a job out of your hobby. That way, you never have to work a day in your life; and I haven’t.”

Mr Dacre made it clear he had no regrets about the deal or its consequences.

He went on, “No, I’ve had a lovely time fermenting bigotry and division over the past 26 years and I think that, actually, an eternity in Hell will probably quite suit me.

“Unless there are any blacks down there, of course, that would be awful.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt!