Government proposals for a ban on cartoon characters advertising sugary breakfast cereals have resulted in a number of high-profile job losses.
The ban, which is intended to make people less fat by not letting them blame an animated frontman for their apocalyptically poor life choices, has resulted in many popular characters seeking alternative employment with immediate effect.
“The Honey Monster is a lumbering, inhuman brute who is prone to sudden and severe personality swings due to sugar crashes, so he’s walked into a job in senior management at a local authority,” we were told.
“But other beloved characters often lack important skills and struggle to land lasting employment, instead turning to much less pleasant ways to make ends meet.
“Tony the Tiger has resorted to begging after his jobcentre interview went badly. Apparently, a skillset that consists of saying ‘it’s great’ over and over again qualifies him for a job in PR with the Brexit negotiating team – but that role has already been taken by David Davis.
“Some of the others a faring even worse. For example, I saw a card in a phone box where Snap and Crackle were offering to make you go Pop, and that Monkey off the Coco Pops adverts was offering to turn your milk brown by doing something quite unspeakable.”