Supernatural forces making loud noises and giant streaks of light have forced the management of Stansted airport to cancel all flights and cower under the kitchen table clutching bundles of burning sages and magic stones.
Operations Manager Simon Williams made some brief declarations to the press to explain why his airport was incapable of handling weather like any other airport in the modern world.
“We strive to provide a world-class service to all our passengers but it is obvious we have angered the Gods.
“Such terrible sights! Such fierce rage! Only a madman would allow flights to proceed when we can stay here in the safety of the terminal consuming the many reasonably priced products that are available to everyone.
“Heathrow and Gatwick have strong Druids to protect them, but we can’t afford such luxuries and have to make do with one blind old woman shaking a stick at the sky.”
Mr Williams denied that the proper installation and maintenance of established lightning prevention technology such as downconducters would have avoided travel misery for thousands of people.
He went on, “This is heresy! Do not follow the words of fantasists and evil men in white coats.
“We will take the appropriate steps to soothe the Gods. We will sacrifice several white geese and perhaps a red-haired virgin, if we can find one – there aren’t all that many virgins in the Stansted region.
“We would urge all passengers to place faith in the ancient rituals and to keep calling our 2 pound-a-minute helpline for updates.”