Scale a tall building and rescue a small child to get citizenship, migrants told

author avatar by 6 years ago

EU citizenship will be granted to migrants who prove their worth in some death-defying stunt, it has emerged.

Malian migrant, Mamoudou Gassama, took just seconds to become a French citizen after scaling a Paris balcony to rescue an idiot child, because they’re athletic like that aren’t they?

Theresa May now plans to introduce similar tests for UK-based migrants who have not yet been deported, which could range from wrestling a crocodile in a primary school to surviving five years or more in social housing.

French President Macron said, “With this act of courage, Monsieur Gassama has demonstrated his patriotic values more than a bunch of swarthy fuckeurs (sic) setting fire to tyres in an asylum centre.

“This heroic deed is an example to all migrants who simplistically think that not being a terrorist or even helping an old lady across the road will somehow cut the mustard.”

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However, cynical bastard Gassama later admitted that he’d had his eye on French citizenship the whole time.

“In a country where more than a third of the population votes for a blond fascist, it’s not enough to just fill out some forms and wait for your application to be processed.

“Those Parisian balconies are very high and I figured that if I hung around for long enough, it would only be a matter of time before some immature twat got himself into difficulties.”

He added, “For my next heroic act, I plan to master over five hundred irregular French verbs, but you will need to be patient.

“It’s not like I have special powers or anything.”