With the news today that a number of Marks and Spencer shops are to close 100 shops by 2022, senior management have assured staff that their redundancy will be something special.
The announcement was made this morning that a further fourteen shops are to be closed in addition to the 21 closed earlier this year, affecting a total of 872 employees.
M&S spokesperson Simon Williams addressed reporters this morning saying, “Unfortunately the closure of these stores will lead to redundancy if staff aren’t able to be placed in another one of our stores.
“I mean, we could start selling cheaper brands that aren’t exclusively our own to bolster footfall, but that would be too sensible. So shutting down shops is the way to go.
“But we would like to reassure staff that the experience of losing their jobs will be not just any redundancy – it will be an M&S redundancy.”
He went on, “The sort of redundancy that if it was shot in soft focus slow motion, with an almost pornographic soft music soundtrack, would make you say ‘Ooh, now THAT’S a redundancy.
“The sort of luxury redundancy, that makes you glad you’re being made redundant from a quality upmarket department store and not some generic high street shop. That is what caring for our employees – ahem, former employees – is all about.”
M&S food hall stock replenishment executive Eleanor Gay, who is now facing redundancy, told us “In fairness, they have offered me a job in another shop.
“But I might take the severance package anyway – I’m fed up with stacking shelves with products I could never afford, even with my staff discount.”