New model Tesla to run on burning money

author avatar by 6 years ago

Tesla is to ‘cut out the middleman’ by launching a car powered by stuffing money into the tank and setting light to it.

In an investor presentation yesterday, head honcho Elon Musk said he intended to reduce his company’s cash burn rate by literally burning cash – which will be ‘considerably cheaper’ than the current plan of losing three-quarters of a billion dollars every three months.

“Our current business plan involves getting people to give us money and then losing it,” he told supporters in a rock-star style presentation.

“What we propose to do instead is to get people to give us money and then set light to it, using the energy from that combustion to propel motor cars forward – or backwards if you prefer,” he added with a confident chuckle.

“This is actually a huge step-change in money-inflammation technology and will show massive future benefits; such as people getting anything whatsoever from their investments, even if it’s just a trip to the mall.”

Future plans for the world-famous visionary include expanding plans to launch a rocket-ship to Mars.

The proposed vessel faced technical challenges in carrying enough fuel for the trip, but Musk confirmed these had been overcome with the addition of a gigantic ‘money hopper’, which people will use to shovel wads of greenbacks into furnaces to provide motive thrust.

“Think of it as being like Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin,” he said.

“Except if you turned one of my neat flamethrowers on it and used the blaze to power a rocket.”