Black Death distances itself from UKIP

author avatar by 6 years ago

The Black Death has moved to deny any relationship with UKIP after being compared to the party today.

Paul Oakey, UKIP’s general secretary, suggested his party was like the Black Death as it ‘came along, caused disruption and then vanished’, but the disease has responded by making a rare statement disassociating itself from the party.

“Okay, there are a few similarities”, the bacteria Yersinia Pestis told us.

“We’re both carried by parasites, thrive out of direct sunlight and you wouldn’t want to admit to being us on a first date if you fancied getting laid.

“I mean I get it, we both cause a level of damage to society that will take decades to recover from and I’m expecting a call any minute from the BBC to make sure the Black Death takes its rightful place on Question Time.

“But there are also loads of reasons why we’re nothing like UKIP. I’m black and came from abroad, for starters – what could be less UKIP than that?

“And you let members of UKIP walk the streets instead of nailing them into their houses and writing ‘unclean’ on the door – which seems prejudicial against me, to be honest.”

Former UKIP leader Paul Nuttall responded saying that “I’m surprised people still talk about the Black Death, considering I cured it back in 1351 – but I don’t like to talk about it.”

The disease concluded, “If you’re going to compare me to a Political Party, I’m much more like the Liberal Democrats. Once I had a third of the population in my grip, but now nobody really gets me anymore.”