Microsoft has announced that future editions of its popular Word application will have a template for corporate apologies.
It has been created to make it easier for big companies to issue full and frank apologies for whatever dreadful behaviour they’ve failed to keep covered up.
“These days, huge companies have to make grovelling apologies two or three times a week,” said a Microsoft representative.
“This template should make that process considerably more streamlined.
“Firstly, select the nature of the dreadful behaviour. At the moment, users will be able to select from ‘not letting you access your money,’ ‘making you vote for something awful,’ ‘posting Infinity War spoilers,’ ‘triggering a civil war,’ and ‘buggering a hamster’.”
It is unclear whether or not these options can be edited.
“The user will then indicate whether they have learnt from the dreadful behaviour, are putting in safeguards to prevent future instances of the dreadful behaviour, or are blaming the dreadful behaviour on a rogue employee who is subject to internal disciplinary procedures.
“The template will conclude with a standard friendly exhortation to trust in the corporation as if they’re your friend who forgot to give you a lift to the pub instead of a multi-national conglomerate that accidentally published its entire customer base’s browser history on the Internet because its chief information officer pressed the wrong button while he was playing FIFA.”
It is expected that the template will immediately become the most used within MS Word, and when it emerges that the template was created by children in an IT sweatshop in the Shahpur Jat area of Delhi, Microsoft will be able to issue its apology with incredible efficiency.