Duchess of Cambridge sent home from maternity ward because all the beds are full and she’s barely even dilated

author avatar by 5 years ago

Catherine and the Duke of Cambridge travelled to hospital on Monday morning but were sent home again and told to come back in a few hours, as Catherine wasn’t ‘far enough along yet’.

Like most NHS services, maternity wards have very limited resources and cannot offer beds to women just so they can give birth in as much comfort and with as little stress as possible.

Hospital manager Simon Williams explained the situation, telling reporters “We simply cannot accommodate women in the very early stages of labour.

“They could be here for several hours before it gets interesting, and we just don’t have the required beds for that.

“Women might like to take up the option of a home birth – which is only slightly riskier than a hospital birth, and doesn’t use an NHS bed at all.

“We have a very limited supply of gas and air which is very expensive. If a woman’s contractions are that painful then she can do her bloody breathing exercises. After all, what were all those ante-natal classes for?

“Let me make this clear – if you come knocking on our door and you’re not even close to four centimetres dilated, then you can bugger off home again. We don’t care how much you tell us it’s ‘hurting’.

“Women in labour are encouraged to dash to hospital at the last minute, scream in agony as they sit in heavy traffic with no painkillers and then give birth in the lift upon arrival.

“Oh, she’s Royal you say? Well, that’s different…”