Syrian chemical attacks were Andrew Lloyd Webber stage production, claims Russia

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Russians who accused the British of “staging” the recent chemical attacks in Syria have pointed the finger at Andrew Lloyd Webber, according to reports.

Sources close to the ground say the alleged “attacks” bear all the hallmarks of an Andrew Lloyd Webber production and are likely to sell out just as quickly.

And Moscow officials say it’s highly significant that the opening night of the “performance” took place in Douma’s West End.

Meanwhile, eagled-eyed aficionados in the pay of Vladimir Putin have been poring over hours of footage hoping to catch a glimpse of either Michael Crawford or Sarah Brightman.

Suspicions were first raised in Moscow after footage apparently showed a Syrian infant bursting into song shortly after coughing up one of its lungs.

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Russia’s Head of Intelligence, Sergei Willyamski, said, “Of all the Western powers, the British have the necessary theatrical expertise to make it look like a chemical attack. Besides, I’ve seen that kid before in Grange Hill.

“Another big giveaway was the fact that three of the so-called surgeons who were attending to the wounded came out for an encore at the end.

“All of the leading players were really camping it up, throwing their arms in the air and staggering around like Charlotte Church after a night out in Cardiff.”

The Russians insist Lloyd Webber could not have staged the chemical attacks on his own and now believe he received considerable help from the likes of Tim Ricin.

Willyamski added, “As far as stage ventures go, this has to be the worst atrocity since Love Never Dies.”