Theresa May’s Conservative Government is quietly confident of winning the next general election – after edging a step closer to wiping out large numbers of the troublesome youth vote by sending them to their deaths in Syria.
Plans to distract the electorate from the nation’s chronically underfunded health, emergency and education services by kicking off at the Assad regime went down a storm at a secret Westminster meeting.
“An MP has to be serving for at least six years before they’re eligible for a pension, so it’s absolutely vital I get re-elected for a second term, no matter what the cost,” laughed one public servant.
“That doesn’t mean we take war lightly, of course not. I mean, I’ve not bothered to learn precisely what’s going on over there, but I do know it’s much easier to agree to attack far away countries that don’t speak English.
“Well, as long as I ignore grim news footage of our teenagers squealing out their final breaths like pigs trapped in a barn fire then I’ll be able to sleep perfectly well, alongside my mistress in my second, taxpayer-funded home.
“Besides, I’m rich so it’s not like my kids are going to get sent into battle is it?”
Another MP added, “It’s far too early to even think about any kind of draft, but you can bet your arse Owen Jones, Stormzy and those lefties on Twitter would be the first names on the list.
“After that, it’s basically anyone whose dad doesn’t have a yacht or a holiday cottage in Cornwall.”