Mark Zuckerberg to be fitted with empathy chip

author avatar by 6 years ago

Mark Zuckerberg is to be upgraded to ‘the full range of human emotions’ as Facebook attempt to defuse their ongoing problems.

Zuckerberg, who has expressed confusion as to why the humans have water coming from their eyes after discovering just what he’d been doing with their data, will be upgraded to Emotion 3.1 this weekend.

“You appear to be suffering from distress and hysteria,” Zuckerberg told angry Facebook users. “Would you like to see some adverts for calming herbal remedies?

”Perhaps you’d find it helpful to reconnect with these people you have had no contact with for twenty years? I understand people enjoy and value friendship.”

The chip has been designed to allow Zuckerberg to comprehend a wide range of facial expressions, including anger, sadness and that face your girlfriend pulls when you’ve pissed her off but says there’s nothing wrong.

Zuckerberg users are hoping to see a large increase in functionality, as the chip comes pre-installed with Apology Pro for the next time this happens.

”One area that we’ve really lagged behind competitors is in simulating convincing and sincere apologies when we dick you about, but Apology Pro really knocks it out of the park.

”With the next upgrade, we’re hoping Mark can learn what it is humans call ‘love’ without exploding in a shower of sparks.”