Big Ben’s hands have been amputated in a clear example of creeping Sharia-style justice, insist deranged pricks and UKIP voters.
Despite much evidence that the hand removal is part of essential and long-planned maintenance work, right-wing bloggers and anti-EU activists believe the once-proud clock has fallen victim to a kangaroo court of Islamist zealots.
The clock, which to-date has no previous criminal convictions, was recently the chief suspect in a prominent case of some bananas being stolen from an East-end market stall.
UKIP voter, Simon Williams, said, “This is what they do, but no-one is allowed to say it because it’s PC gone mad. Big Ben’s hand amputation is the clearest sign yet that the Muslims have taken over our justice system.
“Even if this story about Big Ben stealing bananas is true, which I strongly doubt, a more fitting punishment for historic timepiece-based theft from a market stall would have been community service, or a simple electronic tag. It’s what they would have got for planning a Muslim terror attack, I’ll bet.
“How long will it be before other cherished British monuments like Tower Bridge have their clitorises ripped off for the simple act of opening and closing at the wrong time of day?
“That was a rhetorical question, by the way.”
Big Ben added, “Community f*cking service? I’ve stood on this spot since 1859 in all kinds of weather, providing the accurate time to c*nts like Simon Williams from all walks of life, and never once complained about it.”
“Shove it up your f*cking arse.”