Throwing money at the police isn’t a ‘deterrent’ to criminals, insists woman itching to spend £30bn on Trident

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The Prime Minister has today insisted that throwing money at the police force to increase their numbers back to 2010 levels is in no way a deterrent to people likely to commit crimes.

With a leaked government report showing that reduced police funding almost certainly contributed to rises in crime, officials have been quick to dismiss the link as ‘nonsense’.

A Whitehall source told us, “We simply don’t have the money available for the police, and anyway, this idea that ‘deterrents’ work in preventing unwanted behaviour is utter nonsense – unless we’re trying to spend £31bn on nuclear weapons, obviously.

“With Trident, the idea of deterrent works incredibly well, and throwing money at something to prevent that unwanted behaviour in others is precisely what we should do.

“The difference here, of course, is that more crime on the streets doesn’t really affect me at all, but a nuclear bomb on Downing Street almost certainly would.”

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Home Secretary Amber Rudd also backed the government’s position on police funding, telling reporters,”You have to remember £31bn is an awful lot of money to spend on anything.

“It would allow us to go back to funding the police properly for the next hundred years or so – or – we could spunk it on a national vanity project that will never see the light of day.

“These are the sorts of tough choice we have to make in government, but rest assured that my colleagues and I will work tirelessly to ensure the negative consequences of our actions are always blamed on someone, or something else.”