Cambridge Analytica literally the only people in the world that give a shit about your tedious Facebook posts

author avatar by 6 years ago

A two-year global investigation by journalists has finally uncovered a secretive political consulting company that might give a toss about the endless barrage of trite dross uploaded daily by narcissists around the world.

Self-centred Croydon estate agent, Simon Williams, was reassured that someone was reading the constant status updates of his humdrum life and the highly exaggerated accounts of wild times with three equally lonely office acquaintance he refers to as “the lads”.

“It feels good to know all this work is appreciated. You post every day about going for a cheeky Nando’s, having a JD and Coke with the lads before hitting the town, sharing a Britain First meme, or just selfies with somebody else’s sports car, but you always wonder if people care. Now we know. Do you want to see a video of my ice bucket challenge. It’s mental!”

Fellow Facebook fan and oblivious civil servant Amanda Tinnock, also felt validated by the revelations.

“It’s the recognition we deserve. I’ve uploaded countless selfies, lengthy accounts of my beauty regime, photos of my feet on random beaches and numerous dubious quotes from celebrities about feminism that I believe make me a political activist.

“Now this can be put to good use by Cambridge professors like that Steven Hawkins. What are they using the data for? Is it for charity?”

Cambridge Analytica has strongly refuted all allegations of impropriety. It has also denied targeting political ads specifically to “fans of reaction gifs” – a highly sought-after demographic group that marketing professionals affectionately refer to as “the fuckwit goldmine”.